Sleeping Mindset

"Our thoughts control our feelings; our feelings should not control our thoughts!"

 

Your child's sleeping mindset is the single biggest obstacle in their inability to have a good knight's sleep. A shift in the way they think about sleeping is crucial to overcoming their sleep anxiety. 

Creating a positive sleeping mindset means changing the way your child sees their sleeping environment, and sleep itself, giving them the power to control the thoughts and feelings they have about their fears.  Acknowledging that even though there really is nothing to be scared of, yet they are still scared, is actually really important. Simply dismissing or disproving a fear (checking under the bed, looking in the closet) does not make it go away. The fear, stress and anxiety your child is feeling is very, very real to them, and must be dealt with for them to be able to move on.

The way to do this is by teaching our reluctant sleepers that they are the only ones in control. They have complete control over what they think, what they say, and what they do. Sounds simple enough, right? It's actually a difficult thing to do, and is a skill that needs to be learnt. They need to know how to gain and how to apply this control to their thoughts and feelings. This is what leads to thoughts controlling emotions, rather than the other way around.

A very good example which explains this control process well is the term 'anger issues'. We hear this all the time in the context of kids behaving badly, and then using the excuse "Oh, I have anger issues". Allowing this is effectively telling our kids they can get away with doing certain things, or acting in a particular way, because they have no control over it. Labelling a behaviour or emotion (good or bad) in this way is telling our kids that it is not their fault and they cannot control it. However, this could not be further from the truth! 

This concept may sound quite simple and obvious to us as adults, but actually convincing our kids of this can be very challenging. They need to know they have this extraordinary power to influence their own thinking. Showing them how to harness this power and use it for their own good, is an awesome skill that will serve them well for the rest of their lives!  

We just want to point out here that the sleeping mindset is something that has to  be constantly worked on and maintained. It cannot be created and then set, or turned on and off. It is a very flexible and fluid concept, changing constantly. Our common sense as adults tells us that if we are nervous or scared to do something and we overcome these feelings and do the very thing that we were scared of, that we have then conquered that fear and are no longer afraid of doing whatever it was. But that's not the kind of logic which can be applied to your restless sleeper's mindset.  

Something we noticed with our Little Miss is that even when she would confidently go to sleep without any fear or anxiety for quite a few nights in a row, she would suddenly become fearful again the next night. Even though she had already proven to herself that there is no reason to be anxious or afraid at bedtime, she would be confronted with her same old fears, and we felt as though we were back to square one. This is when we realised that proving there was nothing to be scared of was not a solution - it was the way she dealt with the fear that was the issue.

Giving our troublesome sleepers tools to manage their feelings, rather than trying to convince them there is no reason to be scared is the key to fighting their sleep anxiety. It is completely normal to feel scared and anxious, but it is how we deal with those fears that determines our quality of life. Managing our fears allows us to live our lives to the fullest, without missing out on anything because we were not game enough to try! 

Noises during the night were a huge trigger for our Little Miss, and it reached the point that any tiny sound would be enough to make her flatly refuse to close her eyes and go to sleep. It didn't matter if the sound came from outside or inside, or whether it was a noise she had or hadn't heard before. Some of the advice we had been given was to explain what the noises were and to allow her to investigate herself to see what it was. This did not work at all for us, and was actually a terrible idea that only made her more alert and wide awake! Given that we cannot explain every single noise we hear, trying to find out to give our Little Miss peace of mind was just ridiculous. Nightly noises could literally be anything - nocturnal animals out and about; a neighbour two doors down slamming a window shut; a gust of wind knocking over a garden ornament; roof tin popping from the heat of the sun during the day; a dripping tap - anything! So rather than try to explain noises away, we would come up with funny stories and situations that could justify what we were hearing. An example of this, is the family of possums that sometimes take up residence in our ceiling. Our Little Miss was scared of the scratching and patter of little feet running up and down, so together we invented the scenario that they were playing hide and seek, and sometimes even having a dancing competition. She went from being absolutely terrified of the noises in the ceiling, to vividly dreaming of their adventures while she sleeps. White noise, or soft music can also help to relax your troublesome sleeper, so they can fall asleep easier. 

Just as it is with learning any new skill, repetition is the key. Constantly talk with your restless sleeper about how they are in control. What they say, do, and think is done entirely by them. Convincing them to turn their feelings into positive thoughts will take time, and there will be many set backs. But trust us when we tell you, it does work, and it is well worth the effort!