Motivating Your Reluctant Sleeper

It is not the act of sleeping that is being rewarded, but the positive shift in your troublesome sleeper's mindset

Unfortunately, sleep anxiety can be a severe, crippling condition, and the offer of a simple reward or treat will not be enough to relieve your troublesome sleeper of their condition. So using rewards in the traditional way will not be effective in this case. Motivation is probably a more fitting term than reward.

Giving your reluctant sleeper the motivation to change the way they think about their fears and sleeping can be tricky to do. Given that punishment and rewards usually go hand-in-hand, it is imperative that you don't punish your child for being scared. That being said, if done correctly, motivating them can be done without causing any emotional damage or trauma. It is important to note that it is not the act of sleeping that is being rewarded, but the positive shift in your troublesome sleeper's mindset.

It was actually an inexpensive little ornament that first developed this line of thinking for us with our Little Miss. We were in a homewares shop and she saw about 20 coloured glass lady bug ornaments worth $2.95 each and she fell in love with them (we have to admit, they really were adorable). Being at our wits end by this point, we told her that we would revisit the store in one week, and however many nights during that time she had slept - not without anxiety but slept despite her anxiety because she had gained some control over it - we would buy the same number of lady bugs for her. The next two nights were just as awful as usual, but we noticed that in the mornings, she would be really disappointed that she didn't succeed, and at bedtime she would be really determined to sleep without anxiety. This is when her want for the reward became stronger than her fear. During this time, we talked about the lady bugs constantly; what she would name them, where she would display them, etc, so that they didn't lose the importance she had placed on them and become forgotten about, therefore losing their motivational hold over her.

Then on the third night she did it - she went to bed, fell asleep, and simply rolled over and went back to sleep when she awoke during the night. This was the first time in many, many years that she had slept in her own bed, in her own room, falling asleep on her own, and going back to sleep when she awoke during the night! It wasn't as though her fears and anxiety had disappeared, they were still there, but she dealt with it herself. She had talked herself down at the height of her fearfulness before she fell asleep, which was the first time she had ever done that. The excitement and pride she displayed the next morning was something we will never forget - she was literally jumping up and down, yelling 'I did it, I did it - and I got a lady bug!' Of course, we were jumping up and down with excitement right beside her, celebrating her huge achievement!

That first week, she got 4 lady bugs, and it was something as simple as that which changed the way she viewed her sleep anxiety. She not only realised that there were positive outcomes for doing well, but she also started to see that she had some control over what was happening to her. Once our Little Miss had more lady bugs than she had room for, we moved on to other things she wanted. At first, daily rewards are a great way to entice your reluctant sleeper, but obviously, it is difficult to maintain for long periods of time. As more time passes, the time frame for rewards can be moved to weekly, then monthly, etc.

It is important to note, that the rewards do not need to be expensive or extravagant, and will obviously differ greatly depending on your child's age and interests. The trick is to let your reluctant sleeper choose a reward that means something to them, as it will motivate them to find new ways to handle their sleep anxiety themselves. Motivation drives everyone, and our kids are no different. Once they learn that achieving the things they want is rewarding in other ways, not just the materialistic, their determination takes over, and there is a shift in the way they see themselves. Their self-confidence soars, and an awareness of the power they have over their own lives begins to develop in a way they haven't been able to see before. 

One thing that is extremely crucial is not to punish your reluctant sleeper. We know how exhausting it is and how difficult it can be not to get upset and angry with them, but it is so important to try to remain calm. We are only human, though, and lack of sleep from constantly trying to calm the fears and anxiety of someone who is hell-bent on not being left alone, and fighting sleep harder than they fight their siblings, is guaranteed to make us erupt at some point! Don't worry, though, you're not alone, we have been there, and it is bound to happen... And then the guilt sets in and we feel like the worst parents in the entire world. Not only is our child really struggling with anxiety and fear, but we've just yelled at them because we're so tired and just want to go to bed, the very place they are so terrified of - how ironic!